“She broke up with me because I don’t have a lot of money”
“The girl I really liked refused to date me because I’m broke!”
“Women are usually gold diggers and would only stick with and marry a guy who has money”
and so on and so forth.
You’ve probably heard at least one of these in your lifetime. Such statements are fuelled by the narrative that women strive to “date up” and marry partners who are better off financially than they are. The concept which we call Female Hypergamy.
This notion of women working to land a man with good money dates back centuries and is, unsurprisingly, the running theme of many period dramas, and even some Disney classics.
It is often described as the oldest dating technique there is, and therefore makes sense that men tend to push hard to make bank and become more desirable partners for women. Heck, we know of celebrities who aren’t that good-looking or likeable really, but still are able to pull in loads of ladies thanks to the size of their bank account!
There is an age-old debate as to whether hypergamy truly exists, and if it’s good or bad for our current society which has an increasing number of upwardly mobile women.
But before we dive into what advantages it holds for both men and women, let’s get some things clear about it and why it’s a big deal for everyone.
What is Hypergamy?
Hypergamy is a term used to describe the practice of individuals marrying someone of a higher social status or earning potential than them. Though it is often used to describe women practicing it, some men do it too.
The subject is important because it highlights the overall impact of social and economic status on relationships and marriage.
What is Female Hypergamy?
Female hypergamy refers to the practice of women marrying men who are higher in social status or have higher earning potential. In itself, finding a man who is in better financial standing than they are isn’t evil.
Historically, women were expected to marry men who were able to provide for them and their offspring financially, and the concept of female hypergamy dates back to this time.
Though not phased out completely, the evolution of women’s role in society and the changing economic landscape has led to a shift in the way that female hypergamy is practiced. In modern society, women are now able to pursue careers and attain financial independence, leading to a change in the way that they approach relationships and marriage.
Certain studies suggest that highly credentialed alpha females still prefer a mate above her pay grade. In one of the most widely cited papers on the subject, demographer Yue Qian in her paper titled Gender Asymmetry in Educational and Income Assortative Marriage. compared couples in the 1980 Census and in a 2012 American Community Survey.
She found that during the intervening decades, though wives became more likely to marry down in terms of educational achievement, ‘the tendency for women to marry men with higher incomes than themselves persisted.’ In fact, women with the same or more education than their husbands were more likely to marry up.”
Understanding the concept of female hypergamy is important for gaining a deeper understanding of the impact of social and economic status on relationships and marriage. By exploring the history and evolution of female hypergamy, it is possible to gain insight into the changing dynamic between men and women in society.
Women and Hypergamy
Hypergamy has a significant impact on women in terms of their personal and professional lives. On one hand, it can provide women with increased financial security and stability, as they are marrying into a higher social and economic status. On the other hand, it can also restrict women’s independence and limit their opportunities, as they are expected to conform to traditional gender roles such as housekeeping.
Women are often torn between the desire for financial security and the desire for independence and autonomy, and the tension between these two forces can lead to conflicting desires and subsequent decisions.
In modern society, hypergamy has taken on new forms and meanings. The rise of women’s empowerment and the changing economic landscape means women are now able to pursue careers and attain financial independence. And though some parties might not want to admit it, this has led to a significant shift, with a considerable number of women opting for partners who share similar goals, values, and interests, rather than simply those with a higher social or economic status.
Is Hypergamy Biological?
There is ongoing debate about whether hypergamy has a biological basis. Some argue that it is a natural and instinctive behaviour necessary for survival, while others contend that it is primarily driven by cultural and social factors.
Research into the biological basis of hypergamy has produced mixed results. Some studies have found evidence of biological and evolutionary factors that drive hypergamy, while others have found no significant correlations between biology and hypergamy. The debate around it, therefore, rages on.
Those who argue for a biological basis point to the fact that humans have a natural tendency to seek out partners who are of a similar social and economic status, while those who argue against it point to the influence of cultural and social factors in shaping hypergamic behaviour.
The Psychology of Hypergamy
The impact of psychology on hypergamy is complex and multifaceted.
There is a range of emotions, motivations, and behaviours that drive individuals to engage in hypergamic relationships. This includes factors such as self-esteem, attachment style, and the desire for financial security and stability.
These not only impact the likelihood of individuals practicing hypergamy, but also their experiences within those relationships.
What is the Purpose of Hypergamy?
Hypergamy has played a role in human evolution, as it has allowed individuals to improve their station and economic status, which in turn increases their chances of survival.
In early human societies, hypergamy was often a means of forming alliances and strengthening social bonds, as well as a means of acquiring resources and improving the chances of offspring survival. It has contributed to the formation of social and economic hierarchies, as well as shaping gender roles and expectations.
Even till the present day, It has also played a role in the formation of families and communities, as well as in the transmission of cultural and social values.
The big question is, if it has served many well for centuries, why is hypergamy widely considered to be such a bad thing?
The problem of hypergamy
Hypergamy has both positive and negative effects on individuals and relationships, depending on the context and the individuals involved. It is best described as a double-edged sword.
Hypergamy has long been a controversial topic, and there are undoubtedly problems associated with it for both parties and society at large.
Inequality in relationships
Firstly, hypergamy can lead to a lack of equality in relationships. When one partner seeks to partner with someone who is seen as having a higher social or economic status, it can create imbalances in power and resources, and result in one partner having more control and influence in the relationship. This can lead to issues of domination, financial abuse, and gender-based violence, and can undermine the principle of equality that is fundamental to healthy relationships.
Increase in shallow and transactional relationships
Another issue with hypergamy is that it can contribute to the commodification of relationships. When individuals seek partners based on their status, wealth, or appearance, rather than on their character, personality, and shared values, relationships can become transactional. Where partners are seen as objects to be traded and acquired, rather than people to be loved and respected. This can lead to shallow and unsatisfying relationships, and undermine the intimacy and connection that are essential for long-lasting and fulfilling partnerships.
Frequent conflicts between partners
Also a consequence of hypergamy is that it can lead to increased competition and conflict between partners. When individuals are seeking partners who are of higher status or wealth, they may engage in behaviour that is harmful to others, such as lying, cheating, or manipulating. This can result in a decline in trust and cooperation between partners, and can create an atmosphere of competitiveness and conflict that is harmful to relationships.
The glorification of money over substance in a relationship
Hypergamy could also have a negative impact on the formation of relationships. When individuals are focused on seeking partners who are of higher status or wealth, they may overlook or dismiss individuals who are truly compatible with them based on shared values, interests, and goals. It distracts individuals from the things that truly matter in relationships, such as love, connection, and mutual support, and instead encourages them to focus too much on external and superficial markers of success and status.
Decline in individual emotional well-being
Last but not least, hypergamy leads to disappointment and frustration for individuals who are unable to attain their desired level of status or wealth. For many, the pursuit of hypergamous relationships can result in a never-ending cycle of seeking higher and higher-status partners, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction with their own lives. On the other hand, people who do desire good healthy relationships but aren’t financially buoyant get frustrated when potential partners ignore their proposals for more well-off suitors.
This can result in a decline in mental and emotional well-being, and can contribute to a damaged self-esteem and self-worth, and ignite feelings of bitterness, loneliness, and isolation in many people.
The problems of hypergamy in our society is significant and one that needs to be addressed for healthier relationships to thrive.
Now comes a very important question. Is hypergamy ever good for men who aren’t top earners?
Is Hypergamy Good for Men?
It can be! If taken from the right perspective. Yes, having a good financial standing is an important attraction factor for men and is good to aim for because women do value safety and security. But a lot of good women out there want a man who would truly love them and commit to them.
Generally, women are more interested in working toward a secure and healthy relationship with a man they love, care for, and find attractive than they are with spending all his money. Which is a good thing that helps to reduce the focus on the monetary factor.
If your aim is to have a fulfilling relationship that lasts, you don’t want someone who is just with you for your money anyway. Whilst we are on this subject of money capacities though, there is something crucial I must draw your attention to.
There is this occurrence (which is lost on many men unfortunately) but is important to mention – Financially struggling men can be one of the most frustrating people to deal due to their hostile behaviour. Women who have experienced this can relate.
The frustration from their situation of not having enough money often makes them lash out at their partners unduly. Some men become really insecure, accusing their partners of cheating with no basis for it and even go as far as guilt-tripping the woman for spending her own money! Let’s even keep aside the fact that going on proper dates is out of the question if the lady isn’t footing the bill. And some men have too big an ego to allow their woman pay for their meal. It’s real chaos!
With such things as these happening, it is my opinion that hypergamy has its reasons and is valid in a sense. Life is hard enough. Dating a broke person poses significant challenges if we are to be really honest. So wanting a partner who is at least financially independent is valid.
Now here’s the really good part for the men in the house.
How to Use Hypergamy to your Advantage as a Man
Let’s face it. Hypergamy does exist and is here to stay. A woman looking for the best man she can find doesn’t mean she’s a gold-digger, evil or shallow.
And while hypergamy can present challenges for men, by leveraging it effectively, you can increase the chances of forming fulfilling and long-lasting relationships. Yes, hypergamy is a tool that is advantageous to men as well!
You see, women need partners they can look up to in some way. That’s what earns her respect and loyalty. Even if she isn’t fully conscious of it, she wants a man who offers her a higher status of some kind. So be about something she can look up to.
Here are 7 ways to use hypergamy to your advantage.
1. Embrace Self-improvement
No one wants to be with a bum who isn’t growing. A woman is drawn to someone who has his shit together. So if you don’t, work towards becoming a better man. A high-value man who women desire to be with. Here’s a good place to start.
Make yourself become more appealing and attractive. Quit drowning yourself in liquor and serial Netflix marathons. Groom yourself and dress well with what you have at your disposal. Get into shape by eating right and exercising. Educate your mind and have something beneficial to offer when you speak. Be able to hold a good conversation and don’t just “hi, hi” a person to death!
Focus on improving yourself instead of using loads of time to chase women who reject you and who you end up accusing of being gold-diggers who only seek money.
2. Boost your confidence
A man who is sure of himself is quite appealing to women. In fact, simply put, confidence is extremely sexy! A man who has a good self-esteem is considered to be very attractive to women. I’m talking about true confidence here, not conceitedness or arrogance. There’s a thin line.
Acknowledge and address your insecurities. Don’t get weighed down by them. Lay emphasis on your strengths, not your weaknesses. Keep reeling in confidence boosters into your life and boot out those confidence killers.
3. Be a good leader
Women love men that are leaders and take initiative. They want a guy who is crystal clear about what he wants and isn’t afraid to go out and get it! Someone she can actually follow and work with well without misgivings.
So how can you take more initiative?
Be an initiator of enjoyable dates and ways of spending quality time together. Plan them out. Motivate her to pursue her own goals and become a better person and partner.
An important thing to note here is that women especially love a man that follows through on what he says he’ll do. It means he is a dependable and reliable partner. So, if for instance, you tell her you’ll call, and then you don’t, best believe you’ll be losing credibility and trust in her mind. Even more so if you make this a habit.
4. Be ambitious
No woman will like or respect a man who is less ambitious and driven as her. Someone who isn’t self-motivated enough to push to higher levels to better himself or those around him. It pays to be driven and passionate about something. You should desire to level up in your career and other aspects of life.
Just like many things in life, ambition is good if not taken to the extreme and used to harm the welfare of others. If you don’t already have a strong work ethic and good goals to aim for, focus on these. The fact that you’re actively working towards a goal is attractive to a woman.
5. Be a good provider
There is a huge narrative out there that men are only praised if they are providing resources. That’s just not true! Real women yearn for and appreciate it when their men provide other important things like safety and protection (physically and emotionally), security in the relationship for the long-term, and some tender loving care.
These things should be worked on and highlighted in your relationship you really want to keep. No matter how much she loves you, her patience will run out if you cannot provide her with the right things.Don’t provide her with confusion, trauma, and STIs!
6. Improve your financial stability and security
Oh yes, having more money is still important. The bills won’t pay themselves. Do the work to improve your income and have more savings and good investments rolling. Be responsible and pay your bills on time.
By working hard to improve your financial stability and security, you can attract woman who value them. This can increase the chances of forming a long-lasting and supportive relationship.
7. Be proactive about communication
Communication is key to building strong and supportive relationships. It is often observed that women are much better with verbal communication than men which could be a cause of frustration in a relationship. By being proactive about this, you as a man can ensure you are communicating openly and honestly with your partner and addressing any issues or concerns in a timely and effective manner.
Good communication builds trust and increases mutual understanding, which is part of the foundation for a strong and supportive relationship. It also helps to prevent future misunderstandings and conflicts, and increases the chances of a long-lasting and fulfilling partnership.
8. Be a good listener
A woman wants to be respected and listened to as well. She wants her opinions valued. You stand out as a man if you are genuinely good at listening to her. Be kind and compassionate. Show empathy where needed and let her really see she’s being heard. Be open to compromise and negotiation. A good woman would love you for this.
By providing emotional support and understanding, and being a positive influence in their women’s lives, men can demonstrate their commitment to their partner and the relationship. This increases the chances of a long-lasting and fulfilling partnership, as well as improves your own overall well-being and happiness.
9. Have a good sense of humour
Knowing how to make a woman laugh is one of the best skills you can develop. it’s a super endearing quality to female folk. This doesn’t necessarily mean becoming a comedian and telling witty jokes and funny stories.
It’s more about having fun, laughing, and enjoying yourself. It’s about not taking yourself too seriously. A light-hearted attitude to things makes women feel at ease around you. And it helps them have fun.
P.S. – Don’t become such a jester and trivialise or make a joke out of a serious matter a woman is trying to communicate to you.
To wrap up
Hypergamy is a complex and multi-faceted concept that plays a significant role in the dynamic of relationships between men and women. Though it can pose problems for both parties, a better understanding of it and its advantages is something that can people achieve a healthier and more meaningful relationship.
By focusing on self-improvement, shared values and interests, being supportive and understanding, and being proactive about communication, even men who are not in the upper echelon of earners can build strong and satisfying relationships with desirable mates that are based on mutual support and understanding.
Have some thoughts on this piece and hypergamy in general that you’d like to share? Kindly do so in the comments. Thank you!